Build-A-Man

To all the men who made life hard as glass, made us cry rivers, made us question our intelligence, drove us slowly over the fine line of insanity in a car named Love, and joyfully pushed us into the deepest trenches that forced us to admit our mental health was not okay: This is dedicated to you. 

“Welcome to Build-A-Man! Where we build him for you so you do not have to waste your time! How can we help you today?”

“Hey! I heard yall was having a special on mentally stable men with good habits. Can I have that?”

“Yes we are and you can! We are running a two-for-one special. You can build a custom man of your choice and we will make sure that his mental state is just right for you.”

“Word? Okay! Well let me get a man between the height of 5’7” and 6’0” with a beard that conne…”

“Here at Build-A-Man we request you get specific. Your height needs to reflect a specific number.”

“Oh, okay. Come through! I want him to be 5’9” with a beard that connects. And dark-skinned too with a job that pays well.

“Any particular salary? Remember you have to get specific.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. I want that range to be between 65k-90K. He has to at least afford to live on his own in this city.”

“Anything else sir?”

“Yes! I want him to smell good all the time and actually listen when I advise him to not do something stupid. Also, hold the lies on that order. I don't need him doing that shit.”

“We guarantee he will not be doing "that shit". Excuse my language! It is The Build-A-Man Promise! If he exhibits any undesirable traits, you can send him back and we will issue a refund immediately.”

“Does that money include the money I spent while we were together?”

“Typically it does not, but you can purchase relationship insurance at the next window down and it will cover all incurred expenses during your relationship.”

“Always a catch I see. Okay, how much will that insurance run me?”

“We have to build the man first before we can assess the related cost.”

“Aiight, I see here that we can cut the time in half by using your Pro(EX)y for an extra $10.00. What is that?”

“It is our new add-on service! We can cut the time in half by essentially choosing the best traits from your exs and putting them in one man.”

“Wait….What?!?! Say less! I want Kelvin’s intelligence, Quentin’s eccentricness, Jerry’s body from the neck down, Alvin’s dick size, Calvin’s music taste and creativity, and hmmmmm, Kendrick’ s sex drive, and Mike’s comfortabilty in his skin. You pull traits from females too? If so, I got some ex-girlfriends’ traits I want in this order too.

“It's your man! Of course we can!”

“Bet! Let me get Chelsea’s responsibility, Kiara’s cleaning habits, Danielle’s emotional intelligence, Kelly’s cooking skills, and Tiffany’s attention to detail.”

“Is that all?”

“No actually. I got a hell of a lot more. I need him real handsome. I'm talking like drop dead gorgeous in the face.”

“We can make sure that request is honored to the fullest extent! Would you like to add on the hygiene package for an additional $20.00”

“Yes please! Imma needs my man to wash his nuts and crack. I have no time for a dusty man with no sense of cleaning himself. What's that Muscles Package I see here on the screen? 

“The Muscles Package comes in three sizes. We have our Standard Muscle Package which is about average muscle size. It is the equivalent of someone who exercises 3 times a week. We have our Premium Muscle Package. Muscles in this package are above average build size which is the equivalent of someone who exercises 5 days a week and diets to match. Our last package is our Premier Muscle Package which is equal to that of someone who exercises 7 days a week and also diets to match. Which can I add on for you?

“I see y'all don't miss a beat. Let's add on that Premium Package. I don't need him to be full of himself. OUUUUU I am excited!!!!!! Wait, how much is that Premium Muscle Package gonna run me?”

“It will cost an additional $15.99 to add that on.”

“Works for me! I also need him hella in touch with his history. I also need him in touch with his femininity and masculinity at the same time. I need him balanced as fuck. Oh, and sexually explorative too.”

“I have added the Premium Muscle Package as requested. I have also added our fem and masc balance add-on to accommodate your request. This add-on comes standard with sexual explorability included so it will not cost you extra."

"Awesome! God bless you. Oh, almost forgot, can you also add directness, the ability to take accountability for his actions, decisiveness, determination, and some intentionality to his personality?"

"We can definitely accommodate! That comes with our D.A.D.D.I. combo which is an additional $30.00."

"Damn y'all are expensive. I haven't even purchased the insurance yet and this is climbing higher than my blood pressure after Thanksgiving. Alright, what's the damage sis? How much of a bill have I racked up?"

"Let me read off the order. You want a 5'9, dark skinned man that is handsome in the face with a beard that connects. You also want him slightly muscular. Not too much so that he isn’t full of himself but not too small so that he doesn't do enough.  You also want him to smell good and listen. Based on the traits we imported in from our state of the art Pro(EX)y system, you want him intelligent (both mentally and emotionally), a little eccentric, fit, creative, comfortable in his skin, responsible, detail oriented, clean, and to be an amazing cook! You want him to have a salary of 65k-90k and to top it all off he will be mentally stable. I almost forgot, you also want him sexually explorative and in touch with his feminine and masculine energies. Did I get it all?"

"Yes! Don't forget Alvin's dick! Can't forget that perfect dick. I'm getting flashbacks thinking about it. I requested that get brought over onto this man too."

"I missed that somehow. I will add that now. The grand total will be $175.99. That's with the special on mentally stable men at $100.00 plus all of the additional packages and add-ons."

"Oh, that's pretty affordable! I would say my order is done."

"Thanks for shopping at Build-A-Man! Please pull up to the second window to pay. Let them know you will be purchasing relationship insurance with your man so they can quote you a price. Thank you again!"

"Cool, cool! I can't wait for him to be my perfect man! Y'all take coupons?"