“Whole Lotta Sestina” and “On Laughing

Whole Lotta Sestina

“It’s never selfish to work on myself” is a mantra for my voice. 

I allow myself to scream it to the point, it gets so raspy, 

The throat turns from flesh pink to an exhausted red.

The time of my quietness having control is over, 

Why would I limit myself to the boundaries of a sky

When I can make every step I take my place?

Never believe that I will allow myself to be replaced,

Again, too many times I have given up my voice 

For others to be comfortable as if I was a calm blue sky,

Not allow the winds of my true self to be raspy, 

Acting as if my turn was over, 

When the streetlight never turns red.

Truthfully, I’ve checked my eyes and see how they’ve turned red.  

Too tired of holding the vicinity of this place 

Having to force my mind to think over 

Other’s issues when I never allow my problems to have a voice 

As if they are not yelling, as if it doesn’t get any raspier 

Trying to speak enough to reach the sky

At this point, I look up to the sky

See this sunset paint itself a scarlet red

And seek to ignore the opinions as they get raspier

Got enough experience by blocking depression’s place

As part of my problems, it stills sends me an invoice 

Taxing me for trying to believe that our issues are over

Honestly, the problems will never be over 

If I keep allowing my overthinking of other’s thoughts into my sky.

I tried to quiet what have tried to kill me but it still uses their voice

Never knowing when to quit, always ready,’

Can’t deny them a home when they have already rented the place

Speak with the heaviness, Everclear quality, they are never raspy.

If there’s something that I have learned to grasp 

Is that when someone’s problems are over, 

The residue of pain still got a place 

In my heart, making it see a clouded sky 

Shift the color of the organ from red

To a deep blue, not wanting to have a voice

So for now, my raspy speech will still seek the sky

It won’t be over till I see a whole lotta red

Or till my voice have enough space to reclaim as its own place

On Laughing

My laughter hefty/ As the baggage I carry/ Finally, be free

Knowing that I can’t / Control how my body be / An audience see 

Sometimes I’m laughing /Even when I’m not trying / Involuntary 

Mouth be record skip / Gasping for breath that should’ve /Already been here

The hefty laugh turns / Into deflated balloon/ Seek to grow inside 

I learn it’s inside/ The joker is my nervous/ Being at my mic

Learned this be trauma / Funny how my giggling / Is an unseen scar

My survival turned / Into comedy routine / Living as the joke

The joke that’s born here / Is realizing laughter be / A true reminder 

That I am alive /Look at the reaction as / Body be howling

Howling so damn much / We forget the damned burden /Into our scarred selves

Instead of dying / When my friends find their humor / They say they’re alive

This is all I claim / This my new definition / This makes me stand up 

I see the beauty / In being able to laugh / The stress out my life