When A Lover Becomes A Fighter
When a lover becomes a fighter
he holds his fists above his heart
and prays for a different Calvary.
My faith floats away
as my thoughts cut me like butter
flying to and fro.
Every word the say just stings
Will I ever be alright?
I am not a champion.
But I’ve been rolling with the punches for so long.
Often
There’s a grenade in my chest waiting to detonate.
Gunpowder glazing my skin. PTSD on my breath.
My thoughts like ammunition all aimed at me.
Responsibilities, little angels of death ringing in my ear
Breathing still be a battlefield.
But I do it.
The bells beneath the sunrise
Calling the start of another fight I’m not trained for.
Suicide is the heavy weight champion
I am the rookie.
Too weak. Too slow.
Too me to match up.
Reason told me to give up long ago.
That I was capable of nothing but to be
nothing.
Reason told me to collapse long ago.
I still can right now.
But I don’t.
You never forget the first time you hit the ground.
The sensation writes itself into your nervous system.
There are days I still taste blood in my mouth.
When I’m grabbing at the air through my gloves.
Still after all this time
I haven’t learned to avoid insecurities upcuts.
And the last thing I can think about is
being a champion.
Vision too fuzzy to see my future.
And I just wanna make it out of this ring.
I’m learning to trust the process.
Limping with a lean but still moving forward.
Reminding myself of the precious luxury of life.
However complicated.
Now I know the best gift I could give myself is to let my purpose play out.
Each time my heart chooses to beat
I respect its decision.
When my feet force me to stand again
I listen.
No
I am not always a champion.
I do not pretend to believe I am amazing in any way.
But I will live long enough to learn.
Even with a single drop of blood in your veins
You are still alive
When my heart runs dry with doubt
I stack my stamina with blessings.
My favorite song. Good food.
My family.
My friends. Poetry.
I put my fist above my heart.
Stay in the ring a little longer.