after trauma

your age remains the same

for 4/5 years i froze 18

i am begging to be loved by people who cross their fingers behind their backs

with the promise of broken heart attached

and i just want to be good enough for someone not to leave

me shattered 

i am butterfingered mess

they give me their hearts and i cry 

i cannot promise it will come back whole for i drop everything i touch

petty seeps under my knuckles 

black and blue 

venom intoxicated in my spit and i am a peacock

honking in pride at the terror i caused

the daughter of hera and my god is she proud

goodbye is frankenstein

lonely all i know and i am fluent in it

the world so bent on hating me

and i become the monster that they all know as loving until they see me 

in the light of day

scorned and patched up

and so i know good bye

too well 

too often

too much

i long for a past i hated 

take a bubble bath in the memories

let myself divulge in how things could have been

its the daydreamer in me

i wished on a star to end my life

and never got my wish so i let myself live in an era where i did

and i look in the mirror and see a child’s reflection in my eyes

she screams 

all i ever wanted was to be loved by you 

so i go 

from 18

to 24 

in the span of a year

and the healing has given the me you took away

back

i become my lovers 

for i fell in love with pieces of them 

i open myself up spiritually

i speak up only when needed- bite my tongue at the dinner table conversations

i read more than i talk

i meditate without the promise of being fed after

just to clear the air 

i learned ghosts aren’t supposed to stay

so i kiss them goodbye on the cheek and welcome in the light of the future