Hoe-Skapades 2021: Sexual Health & Sexual Discovery/Exploration

Dear BLUNT Radio,

My name is Tericka and I am in a predicament that may put me on the naughty list. I’m kinda pregnant and I’m only kinda sure who the father is. Now before I tell my story, I don’t wanna hear no comments about people calling me a hoe. I know who I am and Jesus loves me. Yo niggah prolly love me too but nevertheless, let’s get back to the issue at hand.

So a couple months ago, I was doing some hoe shit and had sex with two different niggahs back to back. The first guy...well, he’s a bum. But! He got good dick though. He be fucking me like I’m finna pay his rent even though I’ll never pay another niggah’s rent. Fuck I look like? Jazmine Sullivan? That dick did make me hit them high notes though. Plus, he always hits me up at the perfect time like his dick is my destiny or something. 

Anyway, it was Friday night and I had a whole ass dick appointment with My Niggah Who Ain’t My Niggah Because He Lowkey Got A Girlfriend Who Can Fight. Tell me how I was in the middle of giving this coochie a spa treatment and he gone text me talm bout some “Tericka, don’t get mad at me but I can’t tonight.” He think because he got money that he can just cancel on me like that so last minute? Oh hell nah. Just as I was about to schedule a different dick appointment with this gay niggah who ain’t even gay, Dark Skinned Jay responded to my IG story with the tongue emojis. Dick ain’t always there when you call but it’s always on time, or whatever Ashanti said.

So boom, I do a lil flirting and Dark Skinned Jay is already on his way to my place. My coochie is RED DEE. He hit me with the “im outside” and I started running down them stairs for that dick. I have no shame. I ain’t wearing nothing but a baggy t-shirt and a wig named Bangisha (it’s a straight wig with a ba-yang). I ain’t really have time to glue her on since Dark Skinned Jay lives so close to me. I prolly should’ve hit up Light Skinned Jay but I’m a colorist so Dark Skinned Jay it is.

Anywaysssss, his little Nissan was smelling good. He was smelling good. I was smelling good. Everything is good. We joking and what not but then he did that slick thigh grab...babyyyyy, it was over. He was kissing on me like I was his favorite flavor. He whipped that dick out and yall, I think his dick got bigger and better, like Toy Story 3. So we move to the back seat and I sit on that dick. I start off slow because his dick is big and my cervix has rights. I will not be sued by my coochie because I was doing too much. 

While I’m riding him, he starts moaning so I speed it up. Before we know it, his Nissan starts rocking and shit. My wig almost fell off. By the time we were done, my wig went from straight with curtain bangs to tousled with a fringed side bang. It was great, except for when we realized the condom broke. I thought it was no big deal because I got an extra Plan B in the house. I ease Dark Skinned Jay’s mind and go upstairs to swallow that Plan B like I swallowed that dick. But before I could even look for it, guess who showed up? My Niggah Who Ain’t My Niggah Because He Lowkey Got A Girlfriend Who Can Fight. We’ll just call him Tyreek.

Now Tyreek is the type of niggah to pull up. Usually, he’ll just show up with no warning and knock on my door as if he was an expected guest. The way he be popping up, I just know his girlfriend ain’t cheating back. So I get a knock on my door and there’s Tyreek, looking at me like he didn’t cancel our dick appointment. I ask him “What you doing at my door?” He gone say “It’s you ima be doing something with.” I clutch the pearls I don’t have because this niggah is audacious. Then he says “Matter of fact, with that baggy shirt you got on, I know exactly what I’ma do to you.” Yall, I know I had just gotten dick but my coochie was ready for another round. Plus, car sex can only do so much. Soooooo...guess what I did? I got my back blown out like 4C hair at a Brazilian hair salon. 

Before you judge me, please know that I am a victim of dickmatization. You think I want to have sexual relations with a niggah who got a girlfriend who would quickly beat my ass? No! But, for Goldilocks dick that’s just right for me...I’m Ray Charles to the red flags. I put it on him so good he stayed the night. He never does that so in the morning I was like “Why you ain’t go home like you usually do?” He told me him and his girl broke up because she’s moving back home to Alabama. He was like “I love her but I got my business here in New York. Neither of us can do the long distance thing so she ain’t in the picture no more.”

I was hella relieved because not only did I no longer have to worry about his girlfriend beating my ass but I could be his rebound and have him spend all the money he usually spends on his girlfriend on me. Kinda like a Side Chick Promotion. We spent the whole weekend together which was cute. We didn’t have sex again though because he was being a Drake ass niggah about his ex. Fine with me though. As long as he’s paying, he can vent as much as he wants. 

For the next couple of months, Tyreek and I spent a lot of time together. He’s taking me out and we’re sitting VIP at the expensive clubs in the city. Chile, he took me to a strip club and the Migos were there! I was about to be Quavo’s new Saweetie but his security guard was on my ass. Like damn, he ain’t Beyonce. Calm down, Julius. Things were going really well until I realized that things we’re going too well because I hadn’t gotten my period. I don’t keep tabs on my period because I don’t ever want it to come. So when my period didn’t come, I didn’t notice and just enjoyed my uterus being chill. Tell me how I went to the gynecologist and she told me I’m pregnant!? I felt like Jane the Virgin but without the virgin part because unfortunately I am a hoe. I’m still in my first trimester but bitchhhh, I got pregnant around the time I fucked Tyreek AND Dark Skinned Jay. 

That night when the condom broke, I forgot to take Plan B. Plus, Tyreek and I always use a rubber so I think Dark Skinned Jay may be the father? But also, Tyreek is the only person I’ve been fucking since Dark Skinned Jay. Maybe he’s the father? Honestly, I don’t know what to do. So much has crossed my mind. Should I wait til the baby is born and find out then? Should I just let Tyreek think he’s the father even though he may not be? Should I scam Tyreek out of $500 and say I got an abortion but then put him on child support for the next 18 years? Or should I just get the abortion? I would be a bad mom so maybe that’s the best option? I just don’t wanna deal with Dark Skinned Jay’s broke ass. What should I do to ensure I make it to the nice list and not the naughty one?