Hoe-Skapades 2021: Romance and Sex
Dear Santa,
I have a rule when it comes to sex: never catch feelings for any of these niggas or any of these hoes. Unfortunately, I ended up catching feelings for a nigga😒. I try not to catch feelings because mofos be wanting to hang that shit over ya face like a mistletoe or a pair of chandelier nut sacks so I keep my distance. I don’t need these hoes having me sing Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You during the holidays and actually meaning every single note and vibrata of the damn song. I was fine where I was getting my back blown like a Gameboy cartridge in the 90’s not attaching myself to nobody. In the words of my thot-cestors, Get That Bread, Get That Head, Then Leave.
Let’s start with the nigga first. So Santa, this nigga I’ve been fucking has actually known me for a bit. We go all the way back since our puberty days so yeah you can say that man literally has since my good side and my bad side. Back then, he wasn’t that cute and I was dating his friend and we were the couple of the year at the school. Last time I saw this goofy, he was skinny, had braces in his mouth, and looked like he belonged in a season of Big Mouth and even though I was not any better looking for a teenager, I can at least say I still had standards when I was a minor. Fast forward 11 years later, after attending a friend’s party, we bumped into each other and I swear ‘fo God, this nigga glowed up brighter than a woman who left a toxic nigga for good. He had dreads, the braces were off and the teeth were looking like the diversity of a work office (white and straight), he put some meat on his body and got muscular, and he grew tall asf. Lawd, I don’t know what prayer I prummed but you made a way and prayered the hell outta this prayer! So I go up to him and call his name and he turned around and smiled as soon as he saw me and Bay-Bee, the way this man was eyeing me, this nigga was gonna get it by the end of dessert. He was following me the whole night, pulled out my chair when I sat down, had me pick out the wine of what he would like to drink and we had conversations galore. We ended up planning a date for later on. The next date we went to was a completely different vibe than any other date I’ve been on. We caught up with each other since back when, he told me his passions, and I honestly was able to have a connection with him other than connecting his dick to my coochie lips. I don’t know what this burning feeling in my chest is and I thought it was a heart attack for some reason but after geeking about this nigga to my friends, they diagnosed me with feelings and it was a high key worse fate than a heart attack.
After the date, we head to his place and my coochie is thumping harder than 808 drums on a Travis Scott concert. We drinking and shit and honestly I’m ready to pounce on top of him but the crazy part of this is, this nigga picks me up and pops me on his bed. He stripped me and ate me up like Honey Baked Ham and broke my back like a glowstick. Now I'm sitting here looking crazy while he stroking my hair in love and all.
Santa, I hope this don't get me kicked off the list this year.
broke ass. What should I do to ensure I make it to the nice list and not the naughty one?
