Fear Part 1

Fear: Part I 

Soon 

God will crack the sky to collect his own

and

leave us behind.

The saints go marching in 

and I’ll 

be out of step.

They say this time

He will return to earth with smoke and fire.

I taste the ash filling my mouth.

Skin scorching under holy flame.

The Lord rushes in on horseback, 

trampling me.

Turns his head and 

shows me my salvation was just unrequited love.  

I fear that I’ve forfeited love.

Checked “no” on the application somehow.

Asked to be forever lonely.

I worry my life is a just a manuscript of squandered chances.

Maybe we’re all branded with the mark of the beast

and we’re just too stupid to notice.

I fear hope.

I fear believing in myself

in my community.

What if self-love becomes our downfall?

What if gay pride just leads to our destruction?

I can’t help but wonder.

Can’t help but worry!

I look up from the pits of Hell

as my past bullies earn their halos.

Their voices

are the voice of God 

renouncing my birthright.

Every stone thrown 

was shaped by He himself.

Holy hands tossing me from Heaven onto pavement.

The rain that falls is

the Red Sea closing in to drown me

and all alike.

So many beautiful people banished when grace and mercy finally runs out.

People just trying to keep their heads above water.

Just trying to ease the pain.

I am afraid they’ll be right about us.

The whole time we’ve been on the wrong side of this argument.

Running from something doesn’t stop it from existing.

I’ve run from aging,

still time passes.

I’ve run from church,

still Sunday comes.

I’ve run from my sexuality,

still,

it’s stitched into my skin.

And I don’t know how to escape it without destroying every part of myself.

Without cutting the fabric of my existence into a million pieces.

Rewriting reactions as they happen.

Retwisting every strain of DNA.

My life has become deciding between being strangled or swallowed.

Even then,

I fear this is God’s plan.

And that maybe,

I deserve it.